its ok to not be ok

The last few weeks have been the worst weeks of my life. My family and I have had to deal with something we never thought we would have to go through. But, it has made me realise the impact and commonality of mental health and why there is so much more that can be done.

My gorgeous cousin decided it was time for him to pass onto another world, leaving us all heartbroken. I haven’t stopped crying in 2 weeks and I am not entirely sure I will stop. I just cannot believe it. But, in true me style, in order to grieve, I write. I write what I am feeling, hence this post.

Mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. It is more than ok to not be ok. I know this is easier said than done, but talk to someone. Your mum, sister, stranger, pet, whoever, but if you can seek help, it will help you.

I now have a big interest in mental health and raising awareness for mental illnesses. I truly admire all those suffering with mental illness. There is seriously nothing more terrifying than battling with your own mind everyday. I cannot begin to imagine what it is like, waking up every morning knowing that all those problems and thoughts are still there, and you cannot always ‘just sleep it off’. And then having to face each day with all those thoughts.

It is important that we all look out for our friends, team-mates and family, making sure they are ok, or not ok. It may just save someones life. Suicide may be the solution at the time, but it is not the answer. I will do anything to make sure I can raise awareness to save some lives. Even if this means going way out of my comfort zone, doing something like running a marathon (watch out 2019), or playing basketball!

I am completely heartbroken and speechless.

im back…

I decided to take a little break from my blogging. I needed some time to clear my head and become more positive and myself again. I have had a pretty hard past few weeks and have struggled to cope, but a weekend away with family and beginning to walk normally again has cleared my mind and I can say, I am back to my usual self and crutches free! I thought this day would never come!!

But, I thought I would talk a little about fathers day, but particularly, my own dad. For those who don’t know my dad, Peter or PK, he is definitely one of a kind (in a good way!). I have him to thank for my love of cricket, golf, tennis, beer and keeping up appearances (lol). My mum always gets really jealous and upset when dad and I make plans or do something without her, but she doesn’t realise that she probably wouldn’t really enjoy spending days watching test cricket.

I have found it a lot harder this year, being away from both my parents. Although I have lived out of home for four years now, I was always able to go ‘home’, if I needed a break, or they would come to Adelaide to see me. But, they have decided to travel, leaving Brodie and I to fend for ourselves. I got a phone call from mum on Sunday saying they needed a holiday from their holiday and so they booked to go to Bali, where they are now currently siting by a pool in a resort, while I am procrastinating doing my uni work. But, back to the point. I have always been very close to my parents. I love spending time with them, playing sport, going for coffee etc, so it has been very hard to not be able to do this. You don’t realise how good is it having them a few hours away, until you don’t see them for months.

But, PK. I personally think dad has bought me up as if I was a boy. Although, I did dance throughout my childhood, I also did Auskick and Have-a-go cricket. And today, I spend my time watching cricket, golf, footy or old British comedies, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am lucky to have such caring, supportive and just awesome parents, who encourage me to travel the world, live my dreams and just do me. It has been hard being sooo far away (some of us still have to work and study), but it makes me excited for the future (next year), where I can finally move back home, (to save money and have food cooked for me), but also to spend more time with PK and Lis.

Although belated, happy fathers day PK. You will always continue to crack me up, especially when I find your old cricket ‘yearbooks’, hey Kaitlin. You will also be the tea lady, whose hobbies are ten pin bowling and part time employment. I will always aspire to be just like you – when you hit a six after breaking your wrist two balls before, as well as drinking until 10:30pm, before going to hospital to have your wrist plastered. I heard you were plastered before your wrist? Love you xx

 

 

I AM BORED

hello and welcome back! as I now have a lot of time on my hands, I have decided to start writing a range of blogs, so I can post more regularly, (so I say)!

but the focus of todays blog, is coping with an injury. As many of you know (if you read my last blog, which I hope you have, you would know), that I had a little fall at netball. I was initially told I had tore my ACL, but I am now aware that this no longer the case. I saw an orthopaedic surgeon during the week, and I was told that I actually have a Tibia Fracture. According to google, ‘The tibia, or shinbone, is the most commonly fractured long bone in the body. A tibial shaft fracture occurs along the length of the bone, below the knee and above the ankle. It typically takes a major force to cause this type of broken leg.’  So yes, I have fractured this.

This is good news!!! This means that I am on my crutches for 4 weeks, and not allowed to put ANY pressure on my left leg at all, but I may not need surgery (yay!!). I am going back to see the surgeon in 6 weeks to see how the rehab/progress s going and then we will decide whether surgery is needed. I can tell you right now, it is super hard not to put any weight on my leg, like merely impossible…. Side note, I rolled my ankle last night (my right ankle – has been an occurring injury for me lately as well), so am now pretty crippled on both legs…. I go from icing my knee, to ankle, back to knee etc. I live a very exciting life!

But, back to the knee… so when I was told this, I was happy. But I was also upset. 4 weeks? Does that mean I can’t work for 4 weeks? I can’t grocery shop? I can’t basically do anything. I am going to die. For anyone who knows me, I can’t sit still. I can’t sit and watch Netflix for hours – I get sooo bored. I can only watch one movie and like a max of 2 episodes at once. I have to be doing something else. it could be snacking, on my phone, or like doing uni work, I just have to be busy. So you can probably already tell that I am going to struggle to stay put for 4 weeks…..

AND I also have the trouble of living in a double story house. Like these are all practical and well when you can walk on both legs, but when you are crippled.. who in their right mind thought building two houses on top of each other would be practical when someone is injured??? jeez… Like I have basically been living in the lounge room down stairs, as it is just too painful to keep walking up and down stairs. Plus its close to the freezer for my regular icing… my knee still looks like a balloon, gross.

I have had to take 4 weeks of work, which means no money, which also means that I won’t actually be able to afford to do much else. So I will literally be sitting at home. All day. For 4 weeks. I am already dreading this. Keeping active, healthy and busy is like my life. So imagine how I am feeling now this has all been taken away from me. I just don’t know how to feel. I’m lost. I’m unsure. I’m angry. I’m bored.

I AM SO BORED. I get messages from people asking how I am. The classic reply I send is something about how I am still really sore but I AM BORED. I can’t do anything. I hardly have any uni anymore, I hardly leave the house and if I do, its for an appointment. Nothing fun. I can’t even stand up longer than 10 minutes to do the dishes without being in pain and telling myself “their should be no weight on your left leg courtney”, but unfortunately I still need to live. I still need to cook. I still need to eat and shower. I feel like my world has stopped. But it hasn’t.

Its time like this, I wished I lived closer to family. I am alone. Yes, I do have friends, but they are all busy. I can’t expect people to just drop everything to help me. That isn’t fair. But just being able to spend time with family, where I don’t feel like such a burden, would be nice. It is times like these, where I start to feel excited about my future, about next year.

Thank you for reading and for the messages I received from my last blog. They all mean the world to me. Thank you XX

 

 

im such an idiot…

wow – what a weekend. Again, I am very sorry for not posting last week, but I can guarantee that this post will make up for it!

So, I have had a pretty unusual weekend. Yesterday, I woke up (obvs), went to work and went and played my netball game, just like I do every week. I got through the first quarter of netball (which for me, is a miracle in itself. I don’t think I have played one game this season without having to come off because I’ve injured myself). I was playing wing attack, and was ready to get the first centre pass of the second quarter. Next minute, I am on the ground, screaming. I wonder what has happened..

After getting lifted off court, attended to by the first aid officer at the netball courts and then later taken to the Wakefield Sports Clinic, I can confirm that I have torn my ACL – yay. Although, it is only a slight tear, it is still a tear and I can tell you right now I am in a lot of pain lol.

Anyways, I thought I would express how hard it is to do anything!! When I was younger, I used to think that hurting my ankle/leg would be awesome, because I could use crutches and like show them off – I was sooooo wrong. I literally got them earlier today, used them for about 30 minutes and was ready to throw them out the window.

But like, even simple tasks like going grocery shopping, walking down stairs, walking anywhere are just so hard. I had to get my brother to take me grocery shopping today because I had no food and couldn’t go shopping alone… I think i’ll have to start using woolies online now, ah damn.

So from here, I will be seeing an orthopaedic surgeon to discuss whats next. Maybe surgery? or maybe just a lot of rehab. But like my knee looks like a balloon – sooo swollen haha it kinda feels cool to touch, like its all soft and mushy ew. But this also means I cant work for a few weeks – kinda hard to teach kids to swim if I can’t walk (or swim), so I better find some decent movies to watch, because I really can’t do anything else. At all.

I was a little bit upset and depressed yesterday. I was at the hospital by myself and then came home to an empty house. And all I wanted was a tub of ice-cream. But, a) the shops were closed, b) I couldn’t really drive and c) I wasn’t paying $5 delivery on uber eats for a $5 ice cream. So instead, to drown my sorrows, I went to bed… cheaper solution. But today, I have still been a bit down. Just the realisation that I can no longer do some things, I cant go for my long beach walks, I can’t lie in bed because I need to keep going downstairs to get the ice from the freezer and again, I was alone. I have just realised that what were tasks I never had to think about, now are basically impossible to complete. It is going to be a long road to recovery, but I will get there.

So, if anyone is up for a movie night with ice cream, hit me up – thats about all I will be doing for the next month or so.

Thanks for reading and if you have any good Netflix shows to recommend, let me know!! XX

 

a catch up

hello my friends, I am so sorry that I didn’t write a post last week. I am still trying to sort out this whole balance thing. Have been super busy and just not really coping, but ill get there. Anyways, I thought I would just check in, ya know.

Mothers Day. A day to celebrate and appreciate everything that our mums do for us, including the laundry, dishes, cooking etc. One of the hardest parts about moving out of home, apart from not seeing the parents everyday, was having to do my own washing and household jobs (still not 100% sure on how to wash a bathroom, but i’ll get there). Mother’s Day this year was special. Mum and I did the big 7.4km walk at the Mother’s Day classic here in Adelaide. Not only was I pretty knackered at the end, but it was a super fun walk, something that I got to experience with my mum. A few close friends of mine, as well as many others, are no longer able to spend Mother’s Day with their mums. That is why, you need to make every Mother’s Day (as well as every other day) special.

My parents have decided to pack up and travel around Australia for the rest of the year. I am very excited for them, don’t get me wrong, but they are taking the dog away. How could you?? Just joking… but how cool is this? I would love to just pack up my life and spend the year on the road. But I am only 21, I just need a little more money and like be 40 before I can even think about doing something like this. I just have so many plans in my life that I want to do within the next 2 years. Like I know I have the rest of my life, but I just cant bare to wait that long. Anyone else like this? A positive for me though is that I can go and visit them, wherever they may be. I am thinking Brisbane in July? Anyone know of any cool brunch places in Brissy (priorities hah).

I can reassure that my life is pretty well back on track now – am loving this extra flow of cash into my bank account! This weeks post is only short (I know, sorry!), but important. If you haven’t told your mum, dad, brother, sister, dog, fish or cat (ew) that you love & appreciate them lately, DO IT. Unfortunately, anything can happen at any time. OR your parents can just decide to leave you, who knows!

Thanks for having a read, I do really appreciate it! If you have anything you would like me to talk about etc, please let me know! I am kinda running out of decent content!!! XXXX

have a chat with me

Well, I was wondering how long it would last. As you’re probably aware, it is Friday, not Wednesday! You know when you’re like ‘I will just do it tomorrow’ once and then every time after that you do the same thing? Yeah thats what I have done lol. I hope to get back into it next week and write on Wednesday (but lets just wait and see!).

This post is more like a little chit chat, rather than my usual stuff. I feel like I am running out of decent content, but still want to write something. All the things I wanted to write about, I have already written about, so I just have to go on more holidays (lol) to get more ideas and inspiration. Am I right? yes.

So this week, I started my new job (yay!), but I have been struggling with the whole balancing work, life, friends etc. For some reason I have just been super exhausted. Like I know I am only working shifts of like 2.5 hours, but I am spending the whole time in the pool, in chlorine and this just makes me super tired. I literally finish at 6pm and then by 8pm I am dead. What is wrong with me?

So many of you know just how cruisy uni has been for me this semester. Like I literally feel like I do nothing, but there isn’t much more for me to do. Like I cant just make up work for me to do – why would I do that anyways? I had an assignment due tonight – I have finished thank god, but I was like stressing majorly about it. I dedicated most of Wednesday, Thursday night and like all of today to do it, but just couldn’t find the motivation. I went out for brunch this morning because priorities, and then came home and smashed it out in like 3 hours. I swear I produce my best work under pressure, on the day it is due. Anyone else like this? I think you have to be super motivated and passionate about the topic or assignment to finish it early. I am at that stage though where I am just so sick of studying and am ready to be an adult and have a full time job. I bet though in like a year when I actually have to work and adult properly I will be wishing I was back at uni. I guess you just cant win hey?

Anyways, where I was going with the last paragraph is that I now have to balance uni with work. I know I have a pretty laid back semester, but I still need to find time to complete assignments, attend uni and do the work. Unfortunately, you need to do the work to pass, who knew? Because I have been super tired this week, my uni work has kind of become the last priority, as I am valuing sleep and food higher than study. I think it will take me a few weeks to get into a routine and to become more organised to be able to balance work, uni and life. I am LOVING the money though. Don’t you just hate it when money just keeps going out of your account but nothing comes in? That was me for like 3 months. But now I have to pay a stupid parking fine – there goes my first pay check. Who knew that parking in a bike lane (whoops, I should learn to read signs) would cost $263. Like what? I would like the council to tell me why the fine is so much and would possibly could make this fine so high. This is absurd.

Anyways, thanks again for reading and I’m sorry this is a bit of a different and messy post, but I just really like writing. Also shout out to the Buff State rugby team for not inviting us to your formal, I’m very upset, but I hope you had a fab night – even without the foreigners @heidi, @nicola.

Love ya all xxx

 

Why is a new job so daunting?

I cannot believe its Wednesday already! I swear I write a post and then bam its Wednesday again and I need to think of something awesome to write about! I get at least one message a week from someone, “where is your blog post for this week?”, which makes me extremely happy because you remember I write them on Wednesday and want to read more. BUT this message always makes me angry at myself because nine times out of ten, I have forgotten about it. I have just been so busy doing nothing this week! Im sure many of you can relate to this!

Anyways, I have had a pretty big week, but the biggest thing was starting a new job. How daunting is this!!! I don’t know why, but it is one of the most scariest and nerve-racking things ever. Who else has this feeling? Like we do things that are so much more nerve-racking, yet there is something about a new job that is scary. Am I going to like it? Will the people be nice? Will they like me? Will I be a nuisance? All these questions are buzzing through my head as I enter the new swim school that I was lucky enough to get a job at. Walking through those doors is the worst part. Once you are through the doors, its a breeze.

Tonight I had my first official shift. I was petrified. But as soon as I walked through those doors and got into the pool, I was fine. It was like a sense of relief. I can actually do this. I AM doing this. And then you realise half way through your shift that you will actually really enjoy working here and you had nothing to worry about. So ALL that prior worrying was for nothing. But if you are not worried, are you human? I think this is an instinct that we all have. We are all scared that we are not the right person for the job. My biggest fear is not knowing anyone. I HATE going somewhere where I don’t know anyone. I know this is stupid, but I can’t help it. However, I have learnt to conquer this fear, because I simply have to. I cannot live life not doing or going to things because I don’t know anyone. I would end up alone, inside for the rest of my life. And that would be awful!

I guess in these blog posts, I like to share my feelings and fears. A lot of us don’t like to do this because we are scared what others might think. But we shouldn’t. Everyone has fears. Everyone is scared. Its normal. DO NOT put yourself down or make yourself feel bad because you are scared of heights and none of your friends are. Im sure they are scared of things that you may not be scared of. I’m petrified of cats. I absolutely hate them (sorry if this offends anyone!). But for someone who is scared of cats, travelling around the Greek Islands last year was probably not the best idea. They were EVERYWHERE. And I mean everywhere! They even came into our hotel room in Paros. Definitely not my favourite part of the trip. Anyways, I had to face this fear, and I can reassure you know that I still hate and am petrified of cats!!

On another note, regarding nerves, I had two people very close to me who decided to participate in the ‘World’s Greatest Shave’. A big congrats to my cousin Mason and close friend Sam for doing such a selfless thing for those suffering with Leukaemia. You both raised so much money for this wonderful cause and I am so proud! I wish I had the strength to do this, but I don’t. I will just continue to donate instead. Which is what you should all do! If you know of anyone who has participated in the shave, donate! I’m sure you all know someone who has suffered with Leukaemia and providing extra funds and support to find a cure who help a lot of families in Australia.

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How good does Sam look with no hair!!

Just a little side note to end, but I will be in Bali next week – cannot wait! So there may potentially be no blog post next week 😦 I will see how I go! So if not, stay tuned for the next post in two weeks. Enjoy the rest of your holidays, and if you’re at school, enjoy your holidays. Take time out for you. Relax. Read that book you have been meaning to read for three years! XX